


All these years

by larabeckinsale



Category: Dresden Files - All Media Types, Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-18
Updated: 2012-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larabeckinsale/pseuds/larabeckinsale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murph POV after she gets into her car. Last scene in Changes. Spoilers for Love Hurts (Side Jobs).</p>
            </blockquote>





	All these years

**Author's Note:**

> Written in November, 2010. It was published elsewhere as an untitled work. I suck at titles.

He really is an attractive man. Harry Dresden. He doesn't know it, or at least, he hasn't realized it yet. I wonder what he'd be like if he ever does? I've known it for a while. I have eyes. I noticed it the very first time I saw him, when we met more than a decade ago. Back then, I was sort of dating someone and Harry was just this weird guy that I could have arrested for suspicion of kidnapping. I didn't. After all, he saved the little girl, and me. But I have to admit that if he had asked for my number that day, I would have given it to him. 

 

A couple of years after that, we found each other again. Ok, I found him to be more precise. I hired him. As the only wizard private investigator he seemed the only one who could help me deal with some really weird shit that was happening in Chicago. And yes, I did say wizard. By then, I was already on my way to divorce number two. Anyway, it would have been unprofessional to think about him in other terms but colleague. So, of course, I never told him that he kind of look good wearing that stupid canvas duster or that he had one the kindest smiles I've seen on a man. Also, that he was hilarious and that his sense of chivalry, although outdated, was a little, just a little mind you, refreshing in my world, where I have to play tough all the time.

 

He never said anything either, showed any interest in me, not like that anyway. And really, why would he? When he could go out on hot dates with a gorgeous and sexy reporter for the Chicago Arcane. Unfortunately, thanks to his always-present bad luck, one day maybe too soon, too painfully, she was out of his life, breaking his heart in the process. It was really hard for him for a while. And I felt bad for him.

 

That's when things got harder too. Because with her gone, he was free. I was free. And time and circumstances brought us closer and closer. What I thought was only some crush or small attraction towards the tall, dark and sort of mysterious guy he was, suddenly became much, much more.

 

We came to be so very close over time, over the circumstances that we had to face together, that I would say that he was my best friend. Ever. And boy, did it get more complicated then. Because, you can't really just go and let your very best friend that you have the hots for him. As true as it might be. It got really scary too. The worst part though, was that he never seemed to notice that when I had to meet him for a case and I could spare a couple of minutes, I'd spray some perfume that I always kept in my desk drawer and apply a touch of rosy lipstick that favored me. Not that I was trying to look sexy or sophisticated but just to give my face some color and look a tiny bit more like a woman and not just one of the boys I live surrounded by. Anyway, I thought he never noticed all that. Seems like the only time I managed to make a real impression on him was when we saw me in a dress. He had looked utterly perplexed. But there had been something different in the way he looked at me after, something... I don't know. He's kind of an old fashioned guy; maybe a girl in a dress does it for him.

 

I met someone else that year too and I finally decided to stop waiting for something that wouldn't and probably shouldn't happen with Dresden and went out with this other guy. He was tall, built solidly, strong, tough, blond, gray eyes, and really good in bed. I had fun and so did he, it was a nice change.

 

And then magically, things started to change too with Harry about the same time. There was a vibe. A really strong vibe and some time later he confessed he wanted more than the friendship that we had. But I had to turn him down, things were complicated. There was a whole list of reasons why it would never work between us. I told him so. And I hurt him, and it hurt me too doing so. I don't know who exactly I was trying to convince, him or me, to be honest. The truth was, that I was scared. I had realized already that even with another man in my life, I still liked Harry too much, that I cared so much and I knew that if we ever... It would be serious, really serious. Which is what every woman wants right? But it's also the perfect way to get us hurt.

 

I mean, the possibilities were so appealing, but the difference between our personalities and our ways of living were going to be a problem for sure. We were also both too stubborn for our own good sometimes. And there was the wizard - vanilla mortal thing too. It made perfect sense at the moment to run away and try to preserve and treasure the relationship as it was. Just friends.

 

Years after, he met someone else. She was older and also a wizard. They belonged to the same world, they had fun, he was sort of happy. I hated her. This guy I was seeing, things weren't working. He didn't want to get serious and at the beginning I didn't want that either but somehow I started to feel things, to get attached. Which wasn't bad but it wasn't the purpose of our getting together. He was supposed to be just a distraction from too complicated headache inducing supernatural cases, endless paperwork, painful family reunions and from whatever I was feeling for Harry. Now that I think about it, the resemblance in some of their personal traits was huge. Yeah, there's a chance that I had been transferring. Anyway, Harry and this Italian woman were an item, I was still with this other guy, but Harry hadn't stopped being so damn handsome, so damn kind, and cute, and noble. It was really confusing. 

 

And then, as always in life, things happen. Harry was single again. I was in a rocky place with my sort of boyfriend. And of course, that had been the perfect moment to fall into that stupid love spell. It had been amazing. He is a really good kisser. I had dreams about that day for weeks, where the spell never broke, I was being kissed breathless and he'd never stop just at that. They were the best kind of torture. I wonder how it had been for him?

 

We never got to be at the right moment or the right place together. Circumstances were always changing and always getting in the way, though they kept dangling dangerous promises at us. Two days ago, they hit us with their worst. He lost everything. I did too. And then I had to face that I could be loosing him at any moment, depending on how soon he'd need to leave and pay the price for saving am innocent little girl. I would lose him the same way I met him. That did it for me. He had practically asked me for a date, for one chance to... to try, to maybe be even more than what we were. And I just couldn't say no. Suddenly, I didn't care anymore about all those stupid reasons that had made such good sense in the past.

 

I think that it's been for years, for most of a decade actually, all this time... I've loved him. Always too close and too far at the same time. And now, this man that is so handsome, with those beautiful, intelligent brown eyes and strong chin, noble and kind, could be mine tonight. And I his, and we could be something, together. Tonight we might have a chance, though maybe our only chance.

 

So I'm driving home to shower and change. I'll wear my favorite slacks, those that I know fit me so well, a nice blouse, I'm thinking something silky; some make up, the new perfume I bought last week. I'll look my best, 'cause what else do I have left when they took all the rest that's important away. And he'll be waiting for me. And this time, the chance won't slip away, I won't let it. I'll show him. And he will know just how handsome I think he is, and how good and how kind I know he is. And I won't be afraid or keep anything bottled up. I've done enough of that. I'll kiss him, as I've always desired to do and hug him like I've always felt I should. I'll whisper in his ears sweet words and give him the comfort of my body and take his. Because I could lose him anytime, it's happening sooner than I could have ever imagined. And he needs to know, and I need to tell him, I love him.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own them, just borrowing them for a while. All belongs to Jim Butcher.


End file.
